Stop it, Google; I don't want my Chromebook to run Android

The news that Google is working on transforming Chrome OS into Android dropped yesterday, not even two minutes after I had tried to add a dinner calendar event with my Nest Hub, only for Google Assistant to tell me that it can’t access my personal results, point me to my phone to change the setting, which was already enabled and had been for years.

How are the two stories even related, I hear you ask? Well, my exhaustion is the link, my friend. And my diminishing patience. And my unwillingness to accept another one of Google’s changing whims and plans.

It’s been nearly a year since Google announced Gemini and, in that time, Google Assistant has received zero love, has become buggier than ever, and has transformed into a useless mess in my home (there are reports of the personal results bug going back to March and it still hasn’t been fixed). Meanwhile, Gemini can do some things better, but not the same things, so you’re damned if you move to Gemini and damned if you stick with Assistant. One full year, and the transition isn’t done, nor is it even close to done.

What makes you/me/Google think that a Chrome OS-to-Android transition will be any better? You, yes, you, reading this, ready to tell me how wrong I am, you, who believes this is a good thing at its core, please show me proof of any Google transition that has happened seamlessly and effortlessly and resulted in people loving the new product more than the old one.

It’s OK, I’m waiting.

I have time.

Oh, there are none. Right.

Google’s history is littered with examples of the opposite, actually. People still lament the death of Inbox over Gmail, Play Music over YouTube Music, the old free GSuite versus the paid Workspace, Hangouts over Allo/Chat/Meet/whatever, and so on. Remember when we had two Meets — the old Meet, which was the real Meet, and the new Meet, which was formerly known as Duo but now had the features of both the old Meet and the old Duo? Oh, yeah, that was fun to explain to my non-techie friends and family members. Or the Google Pay-Wallet-Pay-Wallet-Pay-Wallet-Pay-Wall… I’ve forgotten how many times that app has changed names already.

So yeah, you may have caught me on a grumpy day, but really, seriously, honestly, I’m tired. Of getting excited at another Google transition that will inevitably be botched for at least a year (best case scenario) while we, users, pay the price. I’m tired of trying to visualize the end product, which may or may not eventually be awesome while knowing fully well that there will be months in the middle when my computer could lose my files, forget who I am, or decide it no longer wants to load Chrome. I’m tired of being an eternal beta tester to a product manager somewhere who has a new fetish project for today, will ship it unfinished, and move on the moment their promotion is acted, leaving the scraps of maintenance and bug fixing lingering in no man’s land at Google HQ.

Ideally — or if you caught me on a day where I was less annoyed by Google’s botched transitions — I would’ve told you I love the intention of merging Android and Chrome OS, and I’m a fan of Google’s move towards only developing one ecosystem. I would’ve told you how much I dream of having the more powerful Chrome browser on my mobile devices — extensions, search engines, and all. Or how often I wish I had Chrome OS’s Linux app access or proper windowing support on my Android tablets. Or how I wish Android apps ran more natively on Chrome OS and had proper trackpad, keyboard shortcut, and gesture support.

In a perfect universe, Android and Chrome OS becoming one should’ve happened a decade ago, saving us all from years of half-baked Android tablets and basic Chromebooks. But now, both products are so mature and so capable on their own. We have excellent Android tablets that run a very capable and large-screen-friendly version of Android. And we have excellent Chromebooks that have leaped way beyond their modest beginnings and can handle more tasks while linking perfectly with our Android phones.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone at Google decided that now is the right time to mess it all up. Now that we have arrived, instead of ironing the wrinkles, strengthening the bridge between the two ecosystems, and basking in the glory of a functional, mature, and capable series of products, yeah, now, someone looked at the two products and thought, “Hey, now is the time to go back to the starting line and try to figure it all out again!” Any sane project manager would tell you that’s heresy.

So, no, I don’t want my Chromebook to run Android. I just want those two functional products to coexist and improve in parallel. Google can have a pet project behind the scenes where it tries to merge the two, but I don’t want to hear about that until it has full feature parity with Chrome OS — otherwise, just keep it in the backroom.

We know that won’t be the case, though. But hey, Google’s whims keep me employed, so what am I even complaining about? I’d love to be proven wrong, but history — so far — is on my side.